…to come out, life throws you a curve ball and you’re on the run, living that with that sense of “fight or flight” and in “survival mode” again. That’s where I am – AGAIN. I thought it was safe. I managed to get my life back in order. I laid the ground rules with the people in my life – AGAIN. I set some healthy boundaries, got myself into a good place, started on some adjunct meds, started therapy, started school, etc… Things were going pretty well. Then the bomb hit.
On New Year’s Eve, a close family member whom I dearly love (who has been one of my main stressors over the last few months) announced that he is addicted to prescription pain medication due to a real, chronic medical problem. We’ll call this person my brother Jack (and since I don’t have a brother, this should be a safe alternative and make it easy for me to reference.) Jack has been borrowing money from me for the last 4 months in LARGE quantities, already borrowing almost my entire grant for the year since September. Since I am unemployed and living off of loans and grants, this has caused me significant stress and hardship. When he called me on New Year’s Eve, I had already decided that I was going to have the difficult conversation and cut him off. I had no idea that’s why he was borrowing so much money, but enough was enough. Needless to say, I was blown away when I found out why. I had no idea he had been buying drugs on the street or living this secret life. He informed me that he was going to go for treatment at the end of January, but that, in the meantime, there was no money for the house payment, food, car insurance, etc… I put my foot down and said no. No more. All of those things are just STUFF. If the car goes back, you’ll make it. If the house goes, you can rent. At that point, I didn’t even have enough money myself to pay for my uniforms, books, car insurance, nothing. *I* couldn’t even make it without borrowing from my boyfriend! Tough love sucks, let me tell you.
During the coming weeks, Jack was suffering. He was scraping money together from other family members – and had been , apparently, during all this time. He called me Thursday and asked for more money, but I refused. He did get more money from some others to help pay car insurance and several bills – and enough drugs – just to make it until Friday to keep from losing his job and hold off withdrawl until he could check into rehab on Friday. He managed all the way until this weekend when he was able to check in, which made me very proud. He actually did it!
Saturday, I received numerous calls throughout the day. Crying, desperation, begging, threatening, begging me to come get him. I encouraged, supported, prodded, refused to come. All of the rest of us were talking on the phone back and forth, but apparently, I was the only one *he* could reach by phone until the end of the day – when he checked out. I was devastated. I was angry, resentful, disappointed. After all the encouragement he had offered me through MY hospitalizations. All the support through MY therapy – and HE didn’t even stay. He said he would do it at home and go to outpatient therapy.
Yesterday, Sunday, I called in the evening to check on him and he was sick as could be. Vomiting, diarrhea, shortness of breath, weakness… the whole 9 yards. At least he didn’t go back to the drugs. Today, I had to take over food, fill the car with gas, and get an Ativan prescription. More money gone – over $100. I am such a wimp. I swore no more money, but when I know he’s detoxing, how can I not help? Yesterday I went to a meeting at the Token club. Today, I left him a token – 24 hours clean. Another family member and I will be attending his first NA meeting with him later this week. *We* plan to go to AlAnon. I guess that’s where we belong. I don’t know. I don’t know how all this works and I don’t even know who to ask or where to start. I am so angry with him for leaving early because we ALL needed the resources they could have offered us. He needed to know how to change his life and WE needed to know how to help. Do we push or not push? Do we let him do what he wants and back off? Is NA the same as AA? Is there something other than AlAnon for NA family members? Where do we start? Are there groups or is NA it? Where do we find these resources? Who can help us? I am so lost!
My diarrhea is back with a vengeance. I am a nervous wreck again. I was actually feeling better over the last few weeks. I started school last week. We had a month’s worth of lectures in 4 days because they front loaded the semester. By tomorrow, it’ll be 5 weeks worth of material and my first major exam is next Tuesday. I have clinicals starting on Wednesday and again on Thursday. I have to be up by 5Am to be there by 7AM. I haven’t managed to get much of anything done on my assignments this weekend because of all the calling back and forth over Jack, as well as the extreme anxiety I’ve been feeling over the whole thing. I’m 1 week into school and already behind. This is strangely reminiscent of last semester.
Sometimes God calms the storm...Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.
Exactly how is it that my life never seems to be about ME at all? My boyfriend forced me to get off the phone last night, stop talking about it, eat dinner, and watch a movie. He said enough was enough. It’s Jack’s problem, not yours and you need to walk away. I don’t think anyone understands how this kind of thing affects me. Why is that? It just tears me up. If I just carry on with my life and leave it alone, does that mean I don’t care or love people? How do I do that? I always seem to be the one who doesn’t love enough, but I really get tired of giving so much that I am broke all the time. I’m tired of having gastric problems so much that my tail is raw. I’m tired of stressing to the point of shaking. I’m tired of the insanity. And I’m tired of feeling like my life just isn’t even my own. Last semester it was my boyfriend and his family and I let them consume my life. This semester it’s MY family. If I refuse to let it consume me again, does that mean I love them less? I haven’t heard back from the place I went for therapy. I had an initial visit and then they’re supposed to call me back to let me know if I am eligible to be a client. I think I’ll call them today. These are exactly the kinds of things I need them to help me with. I need help sticking to my guns – and not be consumed by the guilt.
*sigh* I am just really, really tired of living this way.
JUST when I was getting back on track.
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