Lessons learned

Well, I have officially finished my entire first year of nursing school! I did it! I made it! I made an “A” for the first semester and a “B” for the second semester. What a year it has been! I couldn’t even BEGIN to put everything I have learned into words, but here are some of the key things I’ve taken away with me… (some of them I already knew, but are even stronger now and have a story to reinforce the lesson)

• EVERYONE has a fascinating or heartbreaking story – even the ones who are angry and lash out at you, annoying and whiny, distant and won’t talk, elderly and seemingly boring, impossible to communicate with, strange and talking to invisible people, smell bad and look undesirable. We are all human and a little compassion, a gentle touch, and a patient ear will eventually open up even the hardest shell and the vulnerable human inside will warm up to you.
• Most people just want someone to care. If you truly care and are sincere, their radar will detect it and you can have the keys to the kingdom, even if that means just being allowed to take blood, get a smile, get some much needed tears or be given enough trust to be told their story.
• Laughter can help almost any situation.
• Death will come for you when it’s your time, no matter how old you are or how much technology is available. We can keep a body alive even when the brain is dead, but GOD is the decision maker and that keeps US human and HIM divine.
• If you find their “weakness,” you can reach them.
• To hell with cold, “professionalism,” meet people on their level and you will connect with them.
• No one has ever been “this age” before. The teen in front of you has never been 18 before and knows nothing about the world; neither has this elderly person been elderly before. He or she probably feels like a sexy 40-something trapped inside of an old body wondering what the hell happened to his/her youth and how did *I* suddenly get to be “old?” It’ll be us one day thinking the same damn thing.
• Judge not lest ye be judged. Yes, we see COPD, cirrhosis of the liver, diabetic neuropathy, venous stasis ulcers, and obese patients with CHF everyday, patients don’t. These people had one life to life just like us. We all make stupid mistakes; we all have vices. We ALL have problems which we choose not to deal with in the best ways. Everyone knows smoking kills and we all know the risks to bad lifestyle choices. We don’t know their stories. We don’t know how they live or what they’re dealing with. WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. It’s not up to us to decide when it’s understandable that they’ve chosen bad coping mechanisms because of what they’ve had to endure. The fact is, it’s too late now and we are here to comfort and care for this person. We have to because you can guarantee each of us or a loved one is doing something negative that will lead to a miserable, life-ending condition.
• NO ONE should have to face death alone. I don’t care how many patients we have or what needs to be done, unless there’s a critical situation, everything else can wait. This is one moment when every person needs someone to hold their hand and rub their hair.
• The human body is positively the most miraculous thing on the planet, right next to the human heart and spirit.
• A teacher is just a teacher, but an educator is a precious gift. I’ve had a few during this year and I will treasure them for life.
• It’s true that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. No one wants to go through hell, but friends who go there with you are friends for a lifetime.
• You can actually make a difference in a person’s life in less than 30 minutes and they may never even know your name.
• You can go to a hospital or be picked up by an ambulance and never even know or remember the names or faces of some of the people who helped to save your life or work on you, but many of them will carry around memories of you that will last the rest of their lives (positive or negative!). Believe it or not, you really aren’t always just another case. We are people too.
• I have watched people work their asses off to make it through the first year of school only to fail by 0.15% because the only thing that determines our grades are TESTS. I have also seen people in the same class party all night and come to school drunk and then pass. Topping it off with a public announcement to the world that they are passing and getting a degree they don’t even give a damn about. Life is not fair. That’s just how it is. The scariest part is that those undeserving slackers WILL become nurses.  I just pray that the ones who failed but would have made incredible nurses won’t give up. This kind of thing gives nursing a bad name, but guess what? The same is true of doctors, lawyers, judges, lawmakers…. Bad things happen to good people and it’s just a fact of life. I fully believe in karma, though. What comes around, goes around and you get what you give.
• If there’s one thing I seem to be known for, it’s thinking outside the box. I take great pride in the fact that in order to reach a lonely marine with relocation stress syndrome in a nursing home, I found young marines who would visit him. In order to get an elderly woman to accept home visits, I taught my cat to ride in the car – for every visit! To get an elderly woman with extreme anxiety to settle down, I took laundry for us to fold while we talked and it was like a couple of girls getting the laundry done while chatting. For a man in the ICU for 3 weeks, unable to communicate, who was stuck with his sister 24/7 and watching HER shows, I brought in his favorite country music and turned on “testosterone TV” and NASCAR. You go the extra mile and do what it takes to reach people. I love being creative and I love doing whatever I can to make them feel better, especially when no one else ever even thought of it.
• I desperately wanted this degree for myself and all it could give me. I wanted it for all I could give back to the world, my community, my patients. I wanted it for all it would provide me financially, intellectually, emotionally (through my patients), and through the sense of pride and accomplishment. I didn’t know it would give me the level of trust and respect that would come with it. I have started to notice how the people in my life are suddenly introducing me as Sandy ______ , she’s in nursing school. …she’s almost a nurse… …she’s a nurse…. (Love that one, I always have to correct it right away!!! Too much pressure!!!) …she’s going to be a nurse… They’ll even tell the cashiers at the doggone grocery store! Although I TRULY hate it when they tell medical personnel, the doctor, the people in hospitals we visit, etc… because of the frequent  change in demeanor and approach. I vastly prefer to fly under their radar and assess them, at least at first. hehe Well, except other nurses. I almost ALWAYS delve into everything they know. A sort of hero-worship, I suppose. LOL The other thing I have noticed is that people really trust me and call me to ask me about this medical problem and that medical problem – or to go with them to the doctor or hospital to “interpret” or advocate. It’s such a shame that so many people go to the doctor and come away with almost no understanding of what they are even dealing with! They always call me to explain what the doctor told them, which I never mind. It’s nice to have that kind of trust and respect, but sad nonetheless. Sad that the docs don’t seem to be reaching their patients the way they should. What about the people who have no advocates? And sad, too, that it should even be necessary for people to need a personal advocate. Doctors go into medicine because of the love of medicine and people, right? Oh, yeah, the drunken nursing student who openly states she could care less. *sigh* Thank goodness they are pretty few and far between.
• That I have an obligation to use my knowledge and skills, even when it’s inconvenient or scary. If I pass the scene of an accident or someone is in medical trouble around me – no matter where I am – and there’s no law enforcement or medical help on scene, I have a moral, legal, and ethical obligation to stop and help.  I recently stopped at my first accident scene and it both thrilled and shook me to the core. On the one hand, my brain was screaming at me wanting to know who the hell I thought I was to stop. I am NOT one to get involved. One the other, I KNEW that someone may be hurt and I had an obligation to use what I knew to help if at all possible. I was as terrified as the people involved, but I fought through the terror, and did it anyway. Luckily, for my first experience, everyone was pretty much okay. The worst one was a man who barely spoke English but was shaken to the core. He was alert but I could hardly determine his orientation. I finally asked if he spoke English because he didn’t seem to understand my simple questions. After rubbing his arm, telling him to breathe, and reassuring him, he began to speak and tell me that he almost died and go over what happened in the accident. I think he was in psychological shock. I instructed him not to move in case he had internal injuries since his airbag had deployed and he was rubbing his neck. He finally began to calm and relax a bit. I just continued to reassure him and he seemed to calm quite a bit.  I then went to check on the other people involved and found them all to be fine. I wanted the elderly ladies out of the car since they were in the middle of a very busy intersection, but they told me they couldn’t stand for any length, so I told them I’d stay til the police arrived to make sure they were safe. The others were standing, getting things out of their car in a puddle of fluids leaking from the vehicle, so I instructed them to move away because I didn’t think it was safe and they listened. So, I went back and had the first man tell me where he was from and continued to reassure him until the police and EMS arrived. The entire experience was terrifying, but exhilarating. It couldn’t have taken more than maybe 15 or 20 minutes, but it felt like hours! I felt woefully unprepared as far as training and knowledge, but I must have been on autopilot. I was shaking so hard that I couldn’t even take the man’s pulse. I wonder if that’s normal because I felt completely useless had there been a true emergency. I’m not sure any of them knew that, but I certainly did. I just thought, who knows what I might find here all by myself!!! Maybe next time I will be a little calmer. Thank you God for your mercy in that no one was badly injured – this time.

I could go on for days and days about all the things I’ve learned and barely even touch the surface. I do know this: this is a career I want more than anything in the world. My therapist worries that I am so laser-like focused on this goal. She is concerned about it being too unstable for me to pin my happiness on attaining it. She’s concerned about my stress level and whether it’s safe for me to make the sacrifices I have in order to complete the program. She says that, yes, John Henry beat the train, but people forget that it killed him in the end. I’m not going to let it come to that. As far as I’m concerned, it’s worth it. I have never been financially stable while on my own. I’ve never been able to see my own dreams to fruition. I only have 2 semesters to go.  It’s worth it to have had to humble myself so much that I had to go to a food pantry to get food for myself and my kid so that I could continue because I couldn’t qualify for food stamps because I wasn’t able to work 20 hours a week AND go to school full-time. My school’s unofficial, but ever-chanted mantra is, “you succeed or you’re out of the program.” Well, I have made it this far, and I WILL SUCCEED.

No, I haven’t paid my rent OR utilities for this month and it’s already the 11th. No, I don’t have any more money in the bank and I still haven’t gotten a job yet. I’ve applied for well over 100 jobs in the last 8 weeks and been on 3 interviews, but it’s coming. God keeps putting his finger in my life and making things happen. I was MEANT to be a nurse. I was destined to succeed. Yes, I got a 76% on my test the week I had to go to the food pantry because I didn’t know where our next meal was coming from and both my kids were in crisis, but I managed. My grades had been so good through the semester that I still pulled a “B” out for the course. Yes, I ended up having to go get my 18-year son and make him come live with me because he was living in a drug house and refusing to take care of his Diabetes – with a 560 glucose reading and high ketones.  Yes, I spent my last month’s living expenses on taking care of him in order to get him back in school so he could graduate from high school and get his medical condition under control, empower him, and help HIM to decide to take control of his life – all while managing the last tests, clinicals, and finals. I know I was out of money, but God pulled one out of the hat and placed a one-time private duty job into my lap so I could make enough to buy food and gas to last a week or 2. That weekend, I stayed up for 54 hours straight with nothing but 3 hours of sleep in the backseat of my car and then drove 76 miles home for $240, so I KNOW I can make it. I have drive, determination, and NOTHING will stop me.

When I ran out of that money and had nothing, God did it again. We had this insane hail storm and my car was totaled due to the damage. Now I am down to my last $100 and the check from the insurance is due any day so I can catch up on my rent and electric and get through for another month or two – and no more car payment! Please, Lord, let me get this job I interviewed for yesterday! I want it so bad I can TASTE it. It’s perfect and I WANT to work! God will provide – He has time and again – and where there’s a will, there’s a way. So much has happened over the last year that I can’t BEGIN to put it all down, but I have learned. I have learned that there is strength within us that no one, not even we, ourselves, are aware of, until we are called upon to use. And I know that what goes around, comes around – good and bad. So I give. I give everything I have and everything I want to receive. I will never, ever forget what it was like to make it through nursing school so that I will appreciate what it’s like on the other side and I can tell the tale to inspire the ones who dare to dream the dream and help the ones who come after me.

Namaste,

Sandy

Life Lessons Learned

I have changed so much over the years.  Dad always said that age has a way of making you more mellow.  I think he’s right.  Sometimes, in the whirlwind of life, I stop and look around at myself and my life and think, “Whoa! If this were 5, 10, or even 20 years ago, how differently I would be handling this situation!” I find myself far more patient, much less controlling, and waaaay more laid back.  Don’t get me wrong, I can still be very high-strung, but nothing like I used to be.

Who says mellowing with age is a BAD thing?

I was just telling someone the other day that every single thing that happens in your life is only preparing you for that which is yet to come.  It only makes us stronger – and maybe even wears us down a little. hehe I have had the roller coaster ride of my life as a mother.  It’s the ultimate learning lesson.

I had so many dreams for my little girl…but they were MY dreams, not hers.  She left me a long time ago in her heart.  My mom kept telling me that she’d come back eventually.  I clung to that hope.  I didn’t quite believe it, but I had hope.  Recently, I had a great opportunity to handle things with her FAR differently than I used to.  She basically “ran away” to New York City to find herself.  She did.  She discovered not to fight the fact that she’s a lesbian.  She “came out” and came home and I loved her despite it.  She discovered that my love is unconditional.  Yes, a stepmother can be a wonderful thing, but there’s nothing like your birth mother.  I encouraged her from day one and never stopped. Somehow, I think this surprised her.  I’d like to think I was always this supportive and loving, but who knows, maybe I really have mellowed and she is just now really getting the benefit of it.  She told me and her Dad way back in middle school that she was “bi,” but we just thought it was something “cool” for the kids her age to profess at the time or that she was just pulling another of her “shock and awe” stunts.  We figured time would tell. (And it has!)

Apparently, she told her stepmom and Dad (during the years she and I weren’t getting along) that she still thought she was a lesbian or maybe “bi” and she says they basically “threw the bible at her.”  Finally, she told us all AGAIN a few months ago when she “ran away” to NYC with a transgender male.  Once she told me, I reacted with love and support and she said I was the first person to tell her that I accepted her lifestyle choice, whatever it may be.  I could care less if she dates girls, guys, or, yes, even girls who live as guys.  I just want her to be happy.  I think my unconditional love and unflinching support is what has caused her to “come back” to me. I am absolutely ecstatic that she has come back to me not only physically, but in her heart.  For years, that’s what I have desperately ached for, my baby being my girl again.

Now that she has moved back home and has been here a few days, I keep finding myself myself instinctively “pulling back” from her again since she has moved in with her father and stepmom, just like before.  I don’t want to do that.  I feel like they have taken over her life and, once again, there’s no room for me. I have to stop that kind of thinking.  We all have room for lots of people to love and she has expressed the desire to allow me to be a part of her life.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I’ll never be first in her life again, heck, she’s all grown up! Just to be a part of it is going to have to be enough.  Another lesson I’m working at learning.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~Sam Keen

I read this quote the other day:

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~Sam Keen

This is the philosophy I have come to live by.  It seems a good summary for so many I love in my life.  After all, they love me too, don’t they?

The man I love drives me up a wall, but I love him dearly.  I’ve come to see that so many of the things other people find important, just aren’t. I think the people who have figured this out are so much happier in life.

Many of my prayers have been answered and life just feels really, really good right now.  Far be it from me to decide to look that gift horse in the mouth.  So, we’re just an odd couple.  Show me one who isn’t!

In one of our first mother-daughter moments in many years, my daughter asked me a question about the man I love, swearing no disrespect.  I answered her, also explaining that I made the decision a long time ago not to be shallow and let stupid things get in the way of love, life, and happiness anymore.  She told me she was really proud of me and that was nice to hear.

I still have a long way to go before I perfect my “chillin’” attitude toward life.  I keep seeing myself eager to rush in to the next phase.  Is it a quest for drama?  I hope not.  At least I can catch it and recognize it so as to reign it in from time to time.  Lately, I have found myself so eager to get my man to move, so we can have a house to fix up and be more comfortable in.  Why?  It’s not actually miserable where we are. Damn close, but I’ll be okay.  I have been dying in anticipation for him to propose.  Why?  I don’t even WANT to get married for a good while.  I’ve been pushing for him to follow through with the possibility of getting custody of his daughter like he’s talked about from time to time.  Why? Fall semester is getting ready to start and then next year, nursing school. I’m gonna be terribly busy. Besides, I LOVE my quiet time now that MY kids are gone… and I really, really like running around the house naked.

What’s wrong with me? Am I just unable to be satisfied with the here and now? Is this just something we all do?  *sigh* Guess we’re just never satisfied with what we have – always needing more. Methinks more chillaxin needs to be done.   I think I’ll start NOW, in my tiny, quiet apartment, all alone….and naked.

Peace out,

~Sandy

Thoughts from my mom

I’m writing this because I never want to forget.
This is what my mom gave me for my birthday…

“How to Make a Beautiful Life
(Reflections for a daughter on her birthday)

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can’t hear what it’s saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it’s also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be a stepping stone.

Be happy.
When you don’t have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That’s a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren’t any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you’re going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you’ve been too.
And if you ever get lost, don’t worry,
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn’t days and years.
It’s what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
that’s inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE…
The kind of life you deserve. “

She has been sick this weekend and so, instead of going out to dinner tonight, we stayed home and ate there. I made chili and cornbread. She sat in her bed and I laid beside her. We laughed and talked and had a good, long heart-to-heart.

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten really aggravated with her because she kept telling me that I wasn’t ready to find “the one,” that I needed time to be single. I sighed and huffed and puffed and said, “but Mom, you’re being old fashioned! It’s been 2 years, 3 years… How long do you think I have to wait?!?! Why is God making me wait so long?!?!”

“Be patient,” she’d say. “I promise, when the time is right, when you’re ready. Not a moment before.”

Tonight, she said this poem states exactly what she wishes for me. “In fact,” she said, “I’m seeing you do almost all of this.” She said she was talking with her friend at work the other day and they were discussing single women and dating and remarrying, blah blah blah. She said, I told her (her friend), “yeah, I think it’s about time for Sandy. He ought to be coming along any time now.” I tried really hard not to show my utter shock! LOL I felt sure she’d never think it was time. She explained that she’s watched all these women (and men) jump from relationship to relationship and marriage to marriage just shaking her head. She said she was so proud of me because, all in all, other than having financial difficulties, I really have gotten my life together. She talked about how proud she is of me and how far I’ve come – from being this wasteland of a woman, picking up the pieces of my life from a broken marriage; through the healing, forgiving, understanding and maturing as a mother; to becoming a happy, settled single woman at peace with herself and finding her own way in the world. She told me she couldn’t be happier with all the changes she’d seen in me and the path I’d chosen to getting to where I am.

I told her that I am truly at peace with my past and happy in my life. I feel so satisfied with life. I feel like I have put the past to rest. It still rises up from time to time – and the hurts with my daughter and our tumultuous relationship are very painful, but I try to handle it with grace and understanding – like she did when I was the one putting her through the hell. This too, shall come to pass.

Talking with her was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.

What a treasure a mother is. My hope is that one day, my own daughter will realize the same thing.

Cheers to becoming another year older and wiser,

~Sandy