Lessons learned

Well, I have officially finished my entire first year of nursing school! I did it! I made it! I made an “A” for the first semester and a “B” for the second semester. What a year it has been! I couldn’t even BEGIN to put everything I have learned into words, but here are some of the key things I’ve taken away with me… (some of them I already knew, but are even stronger now and have a story to reinforce the lesson)

• EVERYONE has a fascinating or heartbreaking story – even the ones who are angry and lash out at you, annoying and whiny, distant and won’t talk, elderly and seemingly boring, impossible to communicate with, strange and talking to invisible people, smell bad and look undesirable. We are all human and a little compassion, a gentle touch, and a patient ear will eventually open up even the hardest shell and the vulnerable human inside will warm up to you.
• Most people just want someone to care. If you truly care and are sincere, their radar will detect it and you can have the keys to the kingdom, even if that means just being allowed to take blood, get a smile, get some much needed tears or be given enough trust to be told their story.
• Laughter can help almost any situation.
• Death will come for you when it’s your time, no matter how old you are or how much technology is available. We can keep a body alive even when the brain is dead, but GOD is the decision maker and that keeps US human and HIM divine.
• If you find their “weakness,” you can reach them.
• To hell with cold, “professionalism,” meet people on their level and you will connect with them.
• No one has ever been “this age” before. The teen in front of you has never been 18 before and knows nothing about the world; neither has this elderly person been elderly before. He or she probably feels like a sexy 40-something trapped inside of an old body wondering what the hell happened to his/her youth and how did *I* suddenly get to be “old?” It’ll be us one day thinking the same damn thing.
• Judge not lest ye be judged. Yes, we see COPD, cirrhosis of the liver, diabetic neuropathy, venous stasis ulcers, and obese patients with CHF everyday, patients don’t. These people had one life to life just like us. We all make stupid mistakes; we all have vices. We ALL have problems which we choose not to deal with in the best ways. Everyone knows smoking kills and we all know the risks to bad lifestyle choices. We don’t know their stories. We don’t know how they live or what they’re dealing with. WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. It’s not up to us to decide when it’s understandable that they’ve chosen bad coping mechanisms because of what they’ve had to endure. The fact is, it’s too late now and we are here to comfort and care for this person. We have to because you can guarantee each of us or a loved one is doing something negative that will lead to a miserable, life-ending condition.
• NO ONE should have to face death alone. I don’t care how many patients we have or what needs to be done, unless there’s a critical situation, everything else can wait. This is one moment when every person needs someone to hold their hand and rub their hair.
• The human body is positively the most miraculous thing on the planet, right next to the human heart and spirit.
• A teacher is just a teacher, but an educator is a precious gift. I’ve had a few during this year and I will treasure them for life.
• It’s true that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. No one wants to go through hell, but friends who go there with you are friends for a lifetime.
• You can actually make a difference in a person’s life in less than 30 minutes and they may never even know your name.
• You can go to a hospital or be picked up by an ambulance and never even know or remember the names or faces of some of the people who helped to save your life or work on you, but many of them will carry around memories of you that will last the rest of their lives (positive or negative!). Believe it or not, you really aren’t always just another case. We are people too.
• I have watched people work their asses off to make it through the first year of school only to fail by 0.15% because the only thing that determines our grades are TESTS. I have also seen people in the same class party all night and come to school drunk and then pass. Topping it off with a public announcement to the world that they are passing and getting a degree they don’t even give a damn about. Life is not fair. That’s just how it is. The scariest part is that those undeserving slackers WILL become nurses.  I just pray that the ones who failed but would have made incredible nurses won’t give up. This kind of thing gives nursing a bad name, but guess what? The same is true of doctors, lawyers, judges, lawmakers…. Bad things happen to good people and it’s just a fact of life. I fully believe in karma, though. What comes around, goes around and you get what you give.
• If there’s one thing I seem to be known for, it’s thinking outside the box. I take great pride in the fact that in order to reach a lonely marine with relocation stress syndrome in a nursing home, I found young marines who would visit him. In order to get an elderly woman to accept home visits, I taught my cat to ride in the car – for every visit! To get an elderly woman with extreme anxiety to settle down, I took laundry for us to fold while we talked and it was like a couple of girls getting the laundry done while chatting. For a man in the ICU for 3 weeks, unable to communicate, who was stuck with his sister 24/7 and watching HER shows, I brought in his favorite country music and turned on “testosterone TV” and NASCAR. You go the extra mile and do what it takes to reach people. I love being creative and I love doing whatever I can to make them feel better, especially when no one else ever even thought of it.
• I desperately wanted this degree for myself and all it could give me. I wanted it for all I could give back to the world, my community, my patients. I wanted it for all it would provide me financially, intellectually, emotionally (through my patients), and through the sense of pride and accomplishment. I didn’t know it would give me the level of trust and respect that would come with it. I have started to notice how the people in my life are suddenly introducing me as Sandy ______ , she’s in nursing school. …she’s almost a nurse… …she’s a nurse…. (Love that one, I always have to correct it right away!!! Too much pressure!!!) …she’s going to be a nurse… They’ll even tell the cashiers at the doggone grocery store! Although I TRULY hate it when they tell medical personnel, the doctor, the people in hospitals we visit, etc… because of the frequent  change in demeanor and approach. I vastly prefer to fly under their radar and assess them, at least at first. hehe Well, except other nurses. I almost ALWAYS delve into everything they know. A sort of hero-worship, I suppose. LOL The other thing I have noticed is that people really trust me and call me to ask me about this medical problem and that medical problem – or to go with them to the doctor or hospital to “interpret” or advocate. It’s such a shame that so many people go to the doctor and come away with almost no understanding of what they are even dealing with! They always call me to explain what the doctor told them, which I never mind. It’s nice to have that kind of trust and respect, but sad nonetheless. Sad that the docs don’t seem to be reaching their patients the way they should. What about the people who have no advocates? And sad, too, that it should even be necessary for people to need a personal advocate. Doctors go into medicine because of the love of medicine and people, right? Oh, yeah, the drunken nursing student who openly states she could care less. *sigh* Thank goodness they are pretty few and far between.
• That I have an obligation to use my knowledge and skills, even when it’s inconvenient or scary. If I pass the scene of an accident or someone is in medical trouble around me – no matter where I am – and there’s no law enforcement or medical help on scene, I have a moral, legal, and ethical obligation to stop and help.  I recently stopped at my first accident scene and it both thrilled and shook me to the core. On the one hand, my brain was screaming at me wanting to know who the hell I thought I was to stop. I am NOT one to get involved. One the other, I KNEW that someone may be hurt and I had an obligation to use what I knew to help if at all possible. I was as terrified as the people involved, but I fought through the terror, and did it anyway. Luckily, for my first experience, everyone was pretty much okay. The worst one was a man who barely spoke English but was shaken to the core. He was alert but I could hardly determine his orientation. I finally asked if he spoke English because he didn’t seem to understand my simple questions. After rubbing his arm, telling him to breathe, and reassuring him, he began to speak and tell me that he almost died and go over what happened in the accident. I think he was in psychological shock. I instructed him not to move in case he had internal injuries since his airbag had deployed and he was rubbing his neck. He finally began to calm and relax a bit. I just continued to reassure him and he seemed to calm quite a bit.  I then went to check on the other people involved and found them all to be fine. I wanted the elderly ladies out of the car since they were in the middle of a very busy intersection, but they told me they couldn’t stand for any length, so I told them I’d stay til the police arrived to make sure they were safe. The others were standing, getting things out of their car in a puddle of fluids leaking from the vehicle, so I instructed them to move away because I didn’t think it was safe and they listened. So, I went back and had the first man tell me where he was from and continued to reassure him until the police and EMS arrived. The entire experience was terrifying, but exhilarating. It couldn’t have taken more than maybe 15 or 20 minutes, but it felt like hours! I felt woefully unprepared as far as training and knowledge, but I must have been on autopilot. I was shaking so hard that I couldn’t even take the man’s pulse. I wonder if that’s normal because I felt completely useless had there been a true emergency. I’m not sure any of them knew that, but I certainly did. I just thought, who knows what I might find here all by myself!!! Maybe next time I will be a little calmer. Thank you God for your mercy in that no one was badly injured – this time.

I could go on for days and days about all the things I’ve learned and barely even touch the surface. I do know this: this is a career I want more than anything in the world. My therapist worries that I am so laser-like focused on this goal. She is concerned about it being too unstable for me to pin my happiness on attaining it. She’s concerned about my stress level and whether it’s safe for me to make the sacrifices I have in order to complete the program. She says that, yes, John Henry beat the train, but people forget that it killed him in the end. I’m not going to let it come to that. As far as I’m concerned, it’s worth it. I have never been financially stable while on my own. I’ve never been able to see my own dreams to fruition. I only have 2 semesters to go.  It’s worth it to have had to humble myself so much that I had to go to a food pantry to get food for myself and my kid so that I could continue because I couldn’t qualify for food stamps because I wasn’t able to work 20 hours a week AND go to school full-time. My school’s unofficial, but ever-chanted mantra is, “you succeed or you’re out of the program.” Well, I have made it this far, and I WILL SUCCEED.

No, I haven’t paid my rent OR utilities for this month and it’s already the 11th. No, I don’t have any more money in the bank and I still haven’t gotten a job yet. I’ve applied for well over 100 jobs in the last 8 weeks and been on 3 interviews, but it’s coming. God keeps putting his finger in my life and making things happen. I was MEANT to be a nurse. I was destined to succeed. Yes, I got a 76% on my test the week I had to go to the food pantry because I didn’t know where our next meal was coming from and both my kids were in crisis, but I managed. My grades had been so good through the semester that I still pulled a “B” out for the course. Yes, I ended up having to go get my 18-year son and make him come live with me because he was living in a drug house and refusing to take care of his Diabetes – with a 560 glucose reading and high ketones.  Yes, I spent my last month’s living expenses on taking care of him in order to get him back in school so he could graduate from high school and get his medical condition under control, empower him, and help HIM to decide to take control of his life – all while managing the last tests, clinicals, and finals. I know I was out of money, but God pulled one out of the hat and placed a one-time private duty job into my lap so I could make enough to buy food and gas to last a week or 2. That weekend, I stayed up for 54 hours straight with nothing but 3 hours of sleep in the backseat of my car and then drove 76 miles home for $240, so I KNOW I can make it. I have drive, determination, and NOTHING will stop me.

When I ran out of that money and had nothing, God did it again. We had this insane hail storm and my car was totaled due to the damage. Now I am down to my last $100 and the check from the insurance is due any day so I can catch up on my rent and electric and get through for another month or two – and no more car payment! Please, Lord, let me get this job I interviewed for yesterday! I want it so bad I can TASTE it. It’s perfect and I WANT to work! God will provide – He has time and again – and where there’s a will, there’s a way. So much has happened over the last year that I can’t BEGIN to put it all down, but I have learned. I have learned that there is strength within us that no one, not even we, ourselves, are aware of, until we are called upon to use. And I know that what goes around, comes around – good and bad. So I give. I give everything I have and everything I want to receive. I will never, ever forget what it was like to make it through nursing school so that I will appreciate what it’s like on the other side and I can tell the tale to inspire the ones who dare to dream the dream and help the ones who come after me.

Namaste,

Sandy

Deja Vu

Interestingly enough, I have found myself in familiar surroundings. I seem to be in a very similar situation to where I was several years ago. I am at a serious crossroads in my life again. Isn’t it strange how history seems to repeat itself? I suppose this should give me a certain amount of comfort that maybe I can finally get it right, but I really don’t like it at all that I keep finding myself in places that are so uncomfortable.

I have reached that point of fight or flight. I’m going into survival mode.  This time, things are a little different. Unlike the last time this happened, I have set up my life so that I have the benefit of forward momentum. I am already working toward my goal. I am stronger now. I’m still very much afraid. I am not the same person I was, but yet I am.  I am stronger, wiser, better prepared. I’m a survivor and I’m gonna make it. I’m going to come out on the other side and show the world that actually, yes I can.

So, here I go, officially a single woman again on a mission to conquer my fears and make something of myself – and nothing is going to stop me. Not this time. No running. No hiding. No putting my head in the sand. I don’t have anyone else to hold me back and no one else to blame if I fail. It’s me against all the odds and I have no choice but to make it. 13 months of hell to go and counting. I can do this.

Cheers,

~Sandy

Run with patience…

Run with patience the race that is set. Hebrews 12:1

I must have faith and believe that it’s all already laid out for me. I have to do the work and follow the path; He can’t do that for me, but He did set the way. I know I’ll get where I’m supposed to be and He will be there beside me the whole time, even when it gets really dark and scary and I can’t see what’s ahead.

Some days, like yesterday, I refuse to give up even though I *really, really* want to. I felt like *I* am just not enough. Not enough to be a mother, daughter, nurse-to-be, student, woman, pet-momma, tenant, friend, semi-girlfriend, patient….all at the same damn time. I am so thankful for good friends. Yesterday, my friend and I studied all day. We spent 7 1/2 hours in the coffee shop studying everything relating to our diabetes and vascular lectures. She helped me stay focused and kept me propped up with cheesecake, chai tea, blonde brownies, Good LORD, who knows what else we ate! LOL Today after my therapy appointment, I start ANOTHER marathon day of studying. It’s positively dizzying and won’t end until March 1st. Then, things should settle a little, since we won’t have any testing for a little bit and my new clinical rotation will start. It shouldn’t be NEARLY as demanding.

Thank Heaven I can say I survived this one!!! I am so proud and I learned SOOO much!! It turns out that my instructor, whom I feared so desperately, read my Interactional Process Analysis and LOVED it! I was so flattered and honored when I read her note on my 11-page paper… she asked my permission to use it as a sample for future students. She said she “truly enjoyed reading and grading” my IPA! I could have fallen over!!!  Apparently, she completely tore apart everyone else’s papers. Oh, she made a few changes to mine that I still have to finish and turn in, but she actually wants to use it as an example! WOW!! I consider her a mentor and a true educator in every sense – and to have impressed HER? YIPPEE!! Goal met, continue care plan….

Now if I can just conquer tomorrow and next Wednesday’s tests. UGH….

Things are interesting on the personal life front. I’m crazy busy, so I don’t have much time, but my boyfriend has moved into his own house and I have my place all to myself. He has TOTALLY been bringing his “A-game” lately. It’s been quite an eye-opening experience for all of us – and JUST what the doctor ordered. It seems we’ve all been really missing each other, and that’s a really good thing. He and his daughter seem to have truly come to miss and appreciate me for me – not what I did for them. This is actually not at all what I expected. I anticipated that they’d be crying out for me because they missed all I DID – and want me back to DO for them again. Not so. They’re actually doing just fine. It seems they miss *ME* and my companionship.  That’s not what they’ve said, but what they’ve shown me and it’s been a bit of a wake-up call for us all. What’s even more interesting is that I think I might just need them too. The whole thing has left me feeling a bit perplexed, confused, and, yeah, a little scared. As a commitment-phobe, I’m not quite sure what the hell to think of that. It’s a whole lot easier to think I’m only needed for what I can do for people than that they actually love and need me for me. Hrmmmm…. Gonna have to chew on this for a while.

Cheers and happy trails,

~Sandy

…And Still I Rise

Despite the fear that often grips me in the dark of night, still I rise, to face the morning and brave each new day. Thank you, Maya Angelou, for putting into such beautiful words exactly how I feel. What a phenomenal woman, indeed.

 

 

 

 

Still I Rise
By Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

 

God truly blessed the world when He gave us this amazing woman who shares so much talent!

~Sandy

Chapter 40: Butterfree and Fabulous

In one week, I begin the 40th chapter of my life. On Valentine’s Day, I will be 40 years old. Wow. I don’t feel 40. I feel 25. I think that’s a good thing. I have completely taken the reigns and become master of my own destiny. I have cleared the clutter and taken charge of my life. I decided to stop the insanity and take control. I am so incredibly proud of myself. I feel so free and more at peace than, maybe, ever in my entire life. I love my life. I love myself.

I have been struggling for more than a year with my relationship. I have debated and debated about whether it was a good one or not and whether or not to end it. I made the decision in October to leave him once and for all during the school Thanksgiving break. Then, not 2 weeks later, my boyfriend was unexpectedly granted emergency custody of his 10 year old daughter due to neglect and abuse at the hands of her mother. That threw all of our lives into a complete tailspin. Suddenly, everything was completely different. How could I possibly leave him to handle all of this alone? And what about this fragile, damaged little girl? She desperately needed someone to step up and take control. He certainly couldn’t. So, being the rescuer that I am, I man’d up and took it all on. My stress level skyrocketed. My mental health plummeted. After an insane couple of months and tremendous self-sacrifice, I finally decided that enough is enough. Despite everyone else’s needs, I decided it’s not my sole responsibility to save the entire world from itself.

People have to take responsibility for their choices. Whether it be me and my decision to take on school, my brother and his addiction, my (now ex-)boyfriend and his child, his parents and their health issues, or whomever. We all make choices in our lives and we have an obligation to meet the required responsibilities of the consequences of our choices. We build support systems, get organized, plan, and work hard to effectively manage those responsibilities. And sometimes we fail. Then, if we’re smart, we learn from those failures and do better next time. That’s life.  That’s what it’s all about. We help one another, support one another, but we don’t DO IT FOR one another. To do that is to cheat someone out of the opportunity for personal growth and learning opportunities.

“Give a Man a Fish, Feed Him For a Day. Teach a Man to Fish, Feed Him For a Lifetime” Lao Tzu

So, after much agonizing, I decided to extricate myself from the guilt and separate from the emotions. I  gave myself permission to live my own life. No matter how much love I feel for this man, I allowed myself to accept that my emotional needs simply weren’t being met. In addition to all the responsibility packed onto me, I have been trying to go to school with an ever increasing work and stress-load, which was being completely ignored and discounted by my mate as secondary to his and her needs. I finally had enough. On Monday, I made the decision that it was time to face my fears and separate from him. It took all week to gather my courage and do what needed to be done. On Friday, God gave me divine intervention and set the stage perfectly. He made it so that she was gone for the night and wouldn’t be home until Saturday evening. I said my final goodbyes to him and then ended it. I was so unexpectedly calm and resolute. Afterwards, I was extremely anxious, understandably, but I have had an inner peace like none I have ever felt. I know myself. I usually am fine for the first week or so. The true test will probably come next week, after things have settled and I have had a chance to really feel the loss of his presence. I have no doubt that this was the right thing to do. It hurts, but I know I will be fine and so will they. They will learn how to make it on their own and so will I. I’m scared about how on earth I will make it, but I have a plan A and a plan B, and I’ll be ready with C, D, and E should those not work out. I will be fine.

I know I’ve posted this video before, but I will keep singing it – and with a GREAT BIG SMILE!

So, forgive me for the language (stop reading if you’re faint of heart), but this year is going to be awesome! I am going to have the best birthday EVER. This is MY YEAR. Forty is going to be fabulous. You know why? Because in your 20′s your living with someone else’s standards of living. In your 30′s, your living *for* someone else (children, spouse, money). In your 40′s, it’s all about YOU. You know what it is that you think, want, and feel. You have figured out your own values and beliefs, what makes you tick, how to say no, and you can feel secure enough with yourself to make your own decisions without fear of hurting someone else. So I say “40 is fuck you, fabulous and free.” This is the time when I get to live the second half of my life the way *I* want it to be. And I am working my ass off to make that happen. I’m gonna get there. The window of opportunity is wide open and I just broke down the last barrier that stood between me and that window. Now, I can see outside and the beautiful blue horizon that awaits me.

CHEERS,

~Sandy

Tick Tock… Time’s Up

Tick Tock... Time's Up

I’ve been saying it for years.  I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My trip through hell a little bit back was the final straw – it was the catalyst I needed to get me motivated enough to do what I needed to do.  I know I’ve said it before and professed, “this is it! I’m gonna do it!” and people (even the one’s I love) have laughed, snorted, humphed and more because something ALWAYS happens and I never follow though.  Not this time.  This is it.

I have registered for school.  I have narrowed down everything I need to do, I have figured out pretty much all of it on my own.  I went to the open session last week.  I couldn’t meet with an advisor since I hadn’t done all that I had needed to do, but now I have.  It’s not all completely ready, but I have filled out all the paperwork, sent off for my transcript, done my FAFSA, figured out the classes I need, and am ready to go find the loans I need.  I’m even prepared to go part-time work-wise.  I am steeled for whatever needs to be done.

I have HAD IT with living in abject poverty as a way of life.  Granted, this will mean restricting myself to MORE abject poverty for another 3 years, but I am prepared to do just that.

Things aren’t going so well on the love life front – largely in part because of my decision and all the stress this has put me under, but so be it.  Maybe that was part of the grand plan God had for me as well. My kids are gone, I’m settled back here at home in Kentucky, Mom and Dad are close by and reasonably healthy, there are no more excuses that I can use.  Yes, this means I’ll be going into unimaginable (to me) debt again, but I’m going to steel myself against that fear as well.  I am shaking inside and out with fear from having to finally make the decision about what I’m going to be when I grow up, but it’s time.  I’m 37 years old and if I don’t do it now, I likely won’t EVER do it.

No more whining, crying, whimpering, or moaning.  Time to grow up and be a big girl, Sandy.  Let’s just go in there and DO IT.  To hell with the rest of it, let’s just go in there and KICK ASS!

Cheers to you and bringing YOUR dreams to fruition,

~Sandy