Life Lessons Learned

I have changed so much over the years.  Dad always said that age has a way of making you more mellow.  I think he’s right.  Sometimes, in the whirlwind of life, I stop and look around at myself and my life and think, “Whoa! If this were 5, 10, or even 20 years ago, how differently I would be handling this situation!” I find myself far more patient, much less controlling, and waaaay more laid back.  Don’t get me wrong, I can still be very high-strung, but nothing like I used to be.

Who says mellowing with age is a BAD thing?

I was just telling someone the other day that every single thing that happens in your life is only preparing you for that which is yet to come.  It only makes us stronger – and maybe even wears us down a little. hehe I have had the roller coaster ride of my life as a mother.  It’s the ultimate learning lesson.

I had so many dreams for my little girl…but they were MY dreams, not hers.  She left me a long time ago in her heart.  My mom kept telling me that she’d come back eventually.  I clung to that hope.  I didn’t quite believe it, but I had hope.  Recently, I had a great opportunity to handle things with her FAR differently than I used to.  She basically “ran away” to New York City to find herself.  She did.  She discovered not to fight the fact that she’s a lesbian.  She “came out” and came home and I loved her despite it.  She discovered that my love is unconditional.  Yes, a stepmother can be a wonderful thing, but there’s nothing like your birth mother.  I encouraged her from day one and never stopped. Somehow, I think this surprised her.  I’d like to think I was always this supportive and loving, but who knows, maybe I really have mellowed and she is just now really getting the benefit of it.  She told me and her Dad way back in middle school that she was “bi,” but we just thought it was something “cool” for the kids her age to profess at the time or that she was just pulling another of her “shock and awe” stunts.  We figured time would tell. (And it has!)

Apparently, she told her stepmom and Dad (during the years she and I weren’t getting along) that she still thought she was a lesbian or maybe “bi” and she says they basically “threw the bible at her.”  Finally, she told us all AGAIN a few months ago when she “ran away” to NYC with a transgender male.  Once she told me, I reacted with love and support and she said I was the first person to tell her that I accepted her lifestyle choice, whatever it may be.  I could care less if she dates girls, guys, or, yes, even girls who live as guys.  I just want her to be happy.  I think my unconditional love and unflinching support is what has caused her to “come back” to me. I am absolutely ecstatic that she has come back to me not only physically, but in her heart.  For years, that’s what I have desperately ached for, my baby being my girl again.

Now that she has moved back home and has been here a few days, I keep finding myself myself instinctively “pulling back” from her again since she has moved in with her father and stepmom, just like before.  I don’t want to do that.  I feel like they have taken over her life and, once again, there’s no room for me. I have to stop that kind of thinking.  We all have room for lots of people to love and she has expressed the desire to allow me to be a part of her life.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I’ll never be first in her life again, heck, she’s all grown up! Just to be a part of it is going to have to be enough.  Another lesson I’m working at learning.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~Sam Keen

I read this quote the other day:

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~Sam Keen

This is the philosophy I have come to live by.  It seems a good summary for so many I love in my life.  After all, they love me too, don’t they?

The man I love drives me up a wall, but I love him dearly.  I’ve come to see that so many of the things other people find important, just aren’t. I think the people who have figured this out are so much happier in life.

Many of my prayers have been answered and life just feels really, really good right now.  Far be it from me to decide to look that gift horse in the mouth.  So, we’re just an odd couple.  Show me one who isn’t!

In one of our first mother-daughter moments in many years, my daughter asked me a question about the man I love, swearing no disrespect.  I answered her, also explaining that I made the decision a long time ago not to be shallow and let stupid things get in the way of love, life, and happiness anymore.  She told me she was really proud of me and that was nice to hear.

I still have a long way to go before I perfect my “chillin’” attitude toward life.  I keep seeing myself eager to rush in to the next phase.  Is it a quest for drama?  I hope not.  At least I can catch it and recognize it so as to reign it in from time to time.  Lately, I have found myself so eager to get my man to move, so we can have a house to fix up and be more comfortable in.  Why?  It’s not actually miserable where we are. Damn close, but I’ll be okay.  I have been dying in anticipation for him to propose.  Why?  I don’t even WANT to get married for a good while.  I’ve been pushing for him to follow through with the possibility of getting custody of his daughter like he’s talked about from time to time.  Why? Fall semester is getting ready to start and then next year, nursing school. I’m gonna be terribly busy. Besides, I LOVE my quiet time now that MY kids are gone… and I really, really like running around the house naked.

What’s wrong with me? Am I just unable to be satisfied with the here and now? Is this just something we all do?  *sigh* Guess we’re just never satisfied with what we have – always needing more. Methinks more chillaxin needs to be done.   I think I’ll start NOW, in my tiny, quiet apartment, all alone….and naked.

Peace out,

~Sandy

Goodnight Moon

Jack Ingram: Goodnight Moon

Tears drip from my chin
missing you
wondering if I made the right decision
about this
about that.

Missing being a part of your life.
Feeling so left out of the loop.
Feeling my way in the dark
depending on someone I don’t trust
to keep me
informed.

Accusations fly.
Skewed memories of the past.
Could’ve done this.
Could’ve done that.
Should’ve…
Would’ve…
Didn’t…

Angry words.
Lost in confusion.
Surprise.
Loneliness.
Blindness.

Where’s my baby?
Where’s my place?
What should I do?
It feels like I’m right.
He thinks I’m wrong.
Gut says go with it.
No right answers anywhere.

Miss you baby.
Love you angel.
God forgive me.
Mistakes of the past never get erased.
Motherly instincts kicking in.
That damn voice of the past
will never go away.

Fuck you for all you have done.
Fuck you for all you will do.
Fuck you for screwing up everything.
Fuck you for leaving me out of the loop.
Fuck you for the power you wield.
Just fuck you.

Thoughts from my mom

I’m writing this because I never want to forget.
This is what my mom gave me for my birthday…

“How to Make a Beautiful Life
(Reflections for a daughter on her birthday)

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can’t hear what it’s saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it’s also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be a stepping stone.

Be happy.
When you don’t have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That’s a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren’t any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you’re going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you’ve been too.
And if you ever get lost, don’t worry,
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn’t days and years.
It’s what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
that’s inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE…
The kind of life you deserve. “

She has been sick this weekend and so, instead of going out to dinner tonight, we stayed home and ate there. I made chili and cornbread. She sat in her bed and I laid beside her. We laughed and talked and had a good, long heart-to-heart.

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten really aggravated with her because she kept telling me that I wasn’t ready to find “the one,” that I needed time to be single. I sighed and huffed and puffed and said, “but Mom, you’re being old fashioned! It’s been 2 years, 3 years… How long do you think I have to wait?!?! Why is God making me wait so long?!?!”

“Be patient,” she’d say. “I promise, when the time is right, when you’re ready. Not a moment before.”

Tonight, she said this poem states exactly what she wishes for me. “In fact,” she said, “I’m seeing you do almost all of this.” She said she was talking with her friend at work the other day and they were discussing single women and dating and remarrying, blah blah blah. She said, I told her (her friend), “yeah, I think it’s about time for Sandy. He ought to be coming along any time now.” I tried really hard not to show my utter shock! LOL I felt sure she’d never think it was time. She explained that she’s watched all these women (and men) jump from relationship to relationship and marriage to marriage just shaking her head. She said she was so proud of me because, all in all, other than having financial difficulties, I really have gotten my life together. She talked about how proud she is of me and how far I’ve come – from being this wasteland of a woman, picking up the pieces of my life from a broken marriage; through the healing, forgiving, understanding and maturing as a mother; to becoming a happy, settled single woman at peace with herself and finding her own way in the world. She told me she couldn’t be happier with all the changes she’d seen in me and the path I’d chosen to getting to where I am.

I told her that I am truly at peace with my past and happy in my life. I feel so satisfied with life. I feel like I have put the past to rest. It still rises up from time to time – and the hurts with my daughter and our tumultuous relationship are very painful, but I try to handle it with grace and understanding – like she did when I was the one putting her through the hell. This too, shall come to pass.

Talking with her was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.

What a treasure a mother is. My hope is that one day, my own daughter will realize the same thing.

Cheers to becoming another year older and wiser,

~Sandy

Believing In People

Where\’d All The Good People Go?
Jack Johnson

I believe in….

…a former husband who cheated on his wife and broke her spirit. He can turn the corner and do the right thing.

…a former \”player\” with a bad reputation. He can become a righteous, loyal man.

…a not-so-pretty man with a huge heart. He can be seen for the beauty on the inside.

…a formerly damaged woman who was \”owned\” by her husband, disowned by her child, and had a broken spirit. She can heal, face her past, and fly free again.

Those good people, Jack? They\’re all around us. They just have to come into their own. It simply take time, God, Buddha, enlightenment, nurturing, maturing, a natural disaster, loss… whatever you call it, we\’re all right here. And we go back and forth. We are, afterall, only human. People will always disappoint from time to time, but that\’s okay. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

Cheers and a bright, sunny day to you!

~Sandy

Picture swiped from the Courier-Journal photo pages

Crashing Waves

I really hate it when the waves of pain from the past come crashing over me. All the mistakes from the long ago, all the accusations of how bad I am at this and that, all the doubts about whether I am good enough – from those voices of the past – infiltrate my mind and make me feel so dark, so down on myself, so full of self-doubt and regretful. I don\’t know how to stop this from happening.

Most of the time, I feel confident about who and how I am. I feel like I\’m a good, loving person and making the best decisions I can. I try so hard to be happy and optimistic and prepared to deal with whatever. But sometimes, when this situation presents itself, I find myself vulnerable to the onslaught of the tape recordings playing in my head. It doesn\’t happen all the time, mercifully, but when it does, how desperately it pains me – always tied to the same situations in my past.

Is it possible that the damage done in the past can never be corrected? Those I am closest to, who were there, assure me that it\’s a sick and twisted mind that leads me to have these feelings. That I really didn\’t do anything wrong, still though, the feelings come crashing back.

I will press on and the memories of the past will recede again. So, for now, I\’ll ride out the storm; then, come Monday, I\’ll put the bandages on and start the healing process again. I\’ll carry on as usual, as if it never happened – until the waves come for me again.

~Sandy