Run with patience…

Run with patience the race that is set. Hebrews 12:1

I must have faith and believe that it’s all already laid out for me. I have to do the work and follow the path; He can’t do that for me, but He did set the way. I know I’ll get where I’m supposed to be and He will be there beside me the whole time, even when it gets really dark and scary and I can’t see what’s ahead.

Some days, like yesterday, I refuse to give up even though I *really, really* want to. I felt like *I* am just not enough. Not enough to be a mother, daughter, nurse-to-be, student, woman, pet-momma, tenant, friend, semi-girlfriend, patient….all at the same damn time. I am so thankful for good friends. Yesterday, my friend and I studied all day. We spent 7 1/2 hours in the coffee shop studying everything relating to our diabetes and vascular lectures. She helped me stay focused and kept me propped up with cheesecake, chai tea, blonde brownies, Good LORD, who knows what else we ate! LOL Today after my therapy appointment, I start ANOTHER marathon day of studying. It’s positively dizzying and won’t end until March 1st. Then, things should settle a little, since we won’t have any testing for a little bit and my new clinical rotation will start. It shouldn’t be NEARLY as demanding.

Thank Heaven I can say I survived this one!!! I am so proud and I learned SOOO much!! It turns out that my instructor, whom I feared so desperately, read my Interactional Process Analysis and LOVED it! I was so flattered and honored when I read her note on my 11-page paper… she asked my permission to use it as a sample for future students. She said she “truly enjoyed reading and grading” my IPA! I could have fallen over!!!  Apparently, she completely tore apart everyone else’s papers. Oh, she made a few changes to mine that I still have to finish and turn in, but she actually wants to use it as an example! WOW!! I consider her a mentor and a true educator in every sense – and to have impressed HER? YIPPEE!! Goal met, continue care plan….

Now if I can just conquer tomorrow and next Wednesday’s tests. UGH….

Things are interesting on the personal life front. I’m crazy busy, so I don’t have much time, but my boyfriend has moved into his own house and I have my place all to myself. He has TOTALLY been bringing his “A-game” lately. It’s been quite an eye-opening experience for all of us – and JUST what the doctor ordered. It seems we’ve all been really missing each other, and that’s a really good thing. He and his daughter seem to have truly come to miss and appreciate me for me – not what I did for them. This is actually not at all what I expected. I anticipated that they’d be crying out for me because they missed all I DID – and want me back to DO for them again. Not so. They’re actually doing just fine. It seems they miss *ME* and my companionship.  That’s not what they’ve said, but what they’ve shown me and it’s been a bit of a wake-up call for us all. What’s even more interesting is that I think I might just need them too. The whole thing has left me feeling a bit perplexed, confused, and, yeah, a little scared. As a commitment-phobe, I’m not quite sure what the hell to think of that. It’s a whole lot easier to think I’m only needed for what I can do for people than that they actually love and need me for me. Hrmmmm…. Gonna have to chew on this for a while.

Cheers and happy trails,

~Sandy

…And Still I Rise

Despite the fear that often grips me in the dark of night, still I rise, to face the morning and brave each new day. Thank you, Maya Angelou, for putting into such beautiful words exactly how I feel. What a phenomenal woman, indeed.

 

 

 

 

Still I Rise
By Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

 

God truly blessed the world when He gave us this amazing woman who shares so much talent!

~Sandy

Gorging From the Tree of Knowledge

Before I started this semester in January, I was notified about who was to be my clinical instructor for the first rotation, psych. I was both horrified and terrified. I dreaded the beginning of the semester like never before in my school career. It was a little 70-year old African-American professor with a BAD reputation larger than the great state of Texas. It was well-known that she was “old school” with very high expectations of her students and rapacious when it comes to her workload requirements. Worse, it was rumored that she had been forced into a sabbatical last semester due to the fact that she was too hard on the students the previous semester. It was no secret that she had failed 13 in their skills check offs and that many had gotten into a huge amount of trouble for literally hiding in the stairwell in order to avoid having to go to her station for those check offs during exam time. I was positively sick when I found out I had been assigned to her.  Ironically enough, our entire class had the opportunity to hear her speak last semester (during her sabbatical) when she came in to guest lecture on cultural competence in nursing and she was absolutely adorable. What a conundrum. She had this amazing, eclectic, phenomenal-black-woman air about her.  She was the epitome of proud, wise, understanding and fascinating, all bundled up in a tiny little 70-year-old woman with the most unusual, adorable hairstyle I had ever seen. How could THIS woman I had seen be the tyrannical maniac I have heard about? It didn’t matter, I didn’t want to find out. So, I did my damnedest to try to switch with someone. I went through over 10 different people who were looking to switch for various reasons. Nope. No luck. NO ONE would swap with me. I was stuck. It seemed my entire class had heard of M’s reputation. They are no fools.

So, as the semester progressed, I started my rotation with her. I have whined and cried and moaned. The reputation was correct. This amazing woman is pretty much a tyrant when it comes to paperwork. I have written literally HUNDREDS of pages for her, including 2 MAJOR assignments: an 11-page analysis of one of my clients and our interactions as well as a 5-page group research paper, which she found to be woefully inadequate, although she still put a smiley face and “good start” on our draft, to protect our fragile baby nurse egos. LOL I am madly in love with this women. She is everything I aspire to be, professionally, though she is damn near killing me. Sometimes I actually have to temper my interactions and reactions as to keep my “hero-worship” a secret. I feel sure she is aware of my feelings about her, however, because she has such incredible insight, but I simply cannot help myself. I tell everyone who asks that it’s a love/hate relationship. I love, love, love her, but HATE all this work. I whine incessantly, but I work my ass for her. I strive to please  and impress her and definitely manage to please and impress myself in the process. This rotation has been the richest, most amazing experience I’ve EVER had and more than I ever could have hoped for it to be.

Initially, I was lamenting and feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t at one of the 2 “ideal” mental institutions of the available rotations and was, instead, stuck with “the tyrant” at the geropsych unit. However, she is a TRUE educator in every sense of the word. When I was sitting with a fellow classmate after didactic on Tuesday, I realized just how much of an educator M is. This friend, who is an excellent student and at one of the “ideal” rotations, was telling me about her experience. She said she has had almost no interactions with her client and that her instructor leaves them to fend for themselves. That person gives them no direction whatsoever. She said she is allowed to observe groups and that she has struggled to tie in what she has observed to the lectures, but that she thinks she learned this and that…. I found myself thinking, WOW! She has learned absolutely nothing compared to what we have learned!! M has guided us, challenged us, explained things, pushed us, forced us to write loads of comparisons and do pages and pages of anaysis…. I have no doubt that I KNOW my stuff. That’s why most of our group all scored in the 90′s on our test and the rest of the class barely made in the 70′s. The proof is in the pudding. I paid BIG money to be educated and that’s what I am getting. No, I haven’t had a social life and my stress level has been in the red zone for weeks, but, by God, I have LEARNED and I will have that the rest of my life. This is my shot and M doesn’t care about her reputation or popularity with the students. She care about her moral and ethical obligation to educate future nurses, who will be taking care of human beings one day – and the 7 of us are well prepared to do just that.

This week we witnessed an ECT, electroconvulsive therapy, treatment (formerly called “shock therapy”). AMAZING! It was the most thrilling thing to be able to experience. (And by the way, it is NOTHING like the horrific procedures of old. Now, they use paralytic medication and the patient is, basically, under a general anesthetic, so it is NOT the violent experience it used to be!) I was able to watch a nurse anesthetist and RN take charge of a patient’s life. The psychiatrist was there, but he was so busy talking about his golf game and this and that with his intern, that he was barely present. The nurses took care of that woman. I watched as they LITERALLY held her hand and her life in theirs – and still talked us through the entire procedure toward the end, when it was safe to do so. They were tender, caring, professional and all business. No one in that room was putting on a show for our benefit. It was real life and I was so damn proud of the professionalism of the nurses and embarrassed for the doctor and his lackadaisical attitude. I want to be one of them! When I came out, I was ecstatic!! One of my classmates, snorted and rolled her eyes. She said, “My God! There she goes again! Sandy you never stop smiling. You’re always so damn happy and excited. You’re always like a kid in a candy store over every experience. When we left _____ facility for the last time, you had to go say goodbye and thank you to everyone. You fall in love with every patient; you love everything!” I smiled a great big smile and said, “I never want to stop learning and I love people! I think I’ll be in school for the rest of my life! How can you NOT love it all???” EVERYbody smiled. It’s contagious, you can’t help it.

Yesterday, we went to a local homeless shelter and taught a motivational class to the women. It was wonderful. We discussed where they would like to be in a year, the steps they need to take to get there, and the potential barriers they had to face. Giving hope and inspiration was so fulfilling. Many of them are interested in going back to school so we told them how to do it and gave them inspiration. Many thought that mental illness was a barrier, but I made sure to teach them about the disabilities office and how we had a nurse who went through the program who lived in her car – and still graduated! We also have nursing students who are in wheelchairs and have mental illnesses. We also explained that they can get grants, etc…. Sometimes it takes outsiders to get people fired up. It was exciting to share my story about having gone through a divorce, losing my house and car and now being in nursing school, ready to graduate in 2 1/2 semesters. We asked them what they might like us to talk with them about when we come back next week and they perked right up and said they want to know about depression, fear, and various mental illness issues. Someone suggested putting out a box so they can put questions in there. I am so excited to go back!!! Of course, shortly after we arrived, the same student who made the comment to me the other day commented that she was scared for her life and that she was sure we’d be raped or torn limb from limb or something horrible. Naturally, she was staring at me in amazement as I was smiling and greeting everyone, shaking hands and hugging. LOL I tried to explain to her that these are just people and “there, but for the grace of God, go I.” Deaf ears…. Fortunately, she learns by example. By the end of our class, she gave one woman with children a few dollars, had made plans to go to our school’s office to pick up some brochures to leave for the women, and was organizing everyone to bring donations when we come back next week. Even SHE was fired up. YAY!! Go, God!

While I was there, I had the amazing fortune to meet another phenomenal woman who has dedicated her life to the plight of the homeless. She has a master’s degree in psychology and is an ordained minister. In order to complete her masters thesis, she actually went out and lived as a homeless person for 5 1/2 months. She told stories that touched my heart and one that caused tears to spill. I just couldn’t stop it from happening. During our conversation, I mentioned where I used to work and she touched me and said, “I KNEW I recognized you! I have been trying to figure out where I knew you from all morning! I’m so glad to see you again!” Wow, I was floored! That someone of her caliber would recognize me just flattered me beyond belief.

I have been so incredibly blessed during this rotation – my entire life, really, to have met so many extraordinary people – coworkers, friends, patients, professors, community leaders, and more. To experience so many incredible people whose lives enrich my own. What a rich, rich life God has blessed me with. I am so grateful to be alive. I want to grab every moment, squeeze the juice out of every second and drink it all up.  What’s NOT to love? Even heartache makes us learn.

Cheers and every drop of knowledge to you!

~Sandy

Chapter 40: Butterfree and Fabulous

In one week, I begin the 40th chapter of my life. On Valentine’s Day, I will be 40 years old. Wow. I don’t feel 40. I feel 25. I think that’s a good thing. I have completely taken the reigns and become master of my own destiny. I have cleared the clutter and taken charge of my life. I decided to stop the insanity and take control. I am so incredibly proud of myself. I feel so free and more at peace than, maybe, ever in my entire life. I love my life. I love myself.

I have been struggling for more than a year with my relationship. I have debated and debated about whether it was a good one or not and whether or not to end it. I made the decision in October to leave him once and for all during the school Thanksgiving break. Then, not 2 weeks later, my boyfriend was unexpectedly granted emergency custody of his 10 year old daughter due to neglect and abuse at the hands of her mother. That threw all of our lives into a complete tailspin. Suddenly, everything was completely different. How could I possibly leave him to handle all of this alone? And what about this fragile, damaged little girl? She desperately needed someone to step up and take control. He certainly couldn’t. So, being the rescuer that I am, I man’d up and took it all on. My stress level skyrocketed. My mental health plummeted. After an insane couple of months and tremendous self-sacrifice, I finally decided that enough is enough. Despite everyone else’s needs, I decided it’s not my sole responsibility to save the entire world from itself.

People have to take responsibility for their choices. Whether it be me and my decision to take on school, my brother and his addiction, my (now ex-)boyfriend and his child, his parents and their health issues, or whomever. We all make choices in our lives and we have an obligation to meet the required responsibilities of the consequences of our choices. We build support systems, get organized, plan, and work hard to effectively manage those responsibilities. And sometimes we fail. Then, if we’re smart, we learn from those failures and do better next time. That’s life.  That’s what it’s all about. We help one another, support one another, but we don’t DO IT FOR one another. To do that is to cheat someone out of the opportunity for personal growth and learning opportunities.

“Give a Man a Fish, Feed Him For a Day. Teach a Man to Fish, Feed Him For a Lifetime” Lao Tzu

So, after much agonizing, I decided to extricate myself from the guilt and separate from the emotions. I  gave myself permission to live my own life. No matter how much love I feel for this man, I allowed myself to accept that my emotional needs simply weren’t being met. In addition to all the responsibility packed onto me, I have been trying to go to school with an ever increasing work and stress-load, which was being completely ignored and discounted by my mate as secondary to his and her needs. I finally had enough. On Monday, I made the decision that it was time to face my fears and separate from him. It took all week to gather my courage and do what needed to be done. On Friday, God gave me divine intervention and set the stage perfectly. He made it so that she was gone for the night and wouldn’t be home until Saturday evening. I said my final goodbyes to him and then ended it. I was so unexpectedly calm and resolute. Afterwards, I was extremely anxious, understandably, but I have had an inner peace like none I have ever felt. I know myself. I usually am fine for the first week or so. The true test will probably come next week, after things have settled and I have had a chance to really feel the loss of his presence. I have no doubt that this was the right thing to do. It hurts, but I know I will be fine and so will they. They will learn how to make it on their own and so will I. I’m scared about how on earth I will make it, but I have a plan A and a plan B, and I’ll be ready with C, D, and E should those not work out. I will be fine.

I know I’ve posted this video before, but I will keep singing it – and with a GREAT BIG SMILE!

So, forgive me for the language (stop reading if you’re faint of heart), but this year is going to be awesome! I am going to have the best birthday EVER. This is MY YEAR. Forty is going to be fabulous. You know why? Because in your 20′s your living with someone else’s standards of living. In your 30′s, your living *for* someone else (children, spouse, money). In your 40′s, it’s all about YOU. You know what it is that you think, want, and feel. You have figured out your own values and beliefs, what makes you tick, how to say no, and you can feel secure enough with yourself to make your own decisions without fear of hurting someone else. So I say “40 is fuck you, fabulous and free.” This is the time when I get to live the second half of my life the way *I* want it to be. And I am working my ass off to make that happen. I’m gonna get there. The window of opportunity is wide open and I just broke down the last barrier that stood between me and that window. Now, I can see outside and the beautiful blue horizon that awaits me.

CHEERS,

~Sandy