Sometimes I get so angry. I want to stomp my feet and throw myself on the floor, bang my fists and throw a ginormous temper tantrum. I want to scream at God “It’s just not fair! WHY, WHY, WHY!?” Wouldn’t it be great to be like a kid and be able to do that? It wouldn’t do a damn bit of good – no matter how old we are, but it sure would FEEL good!
I tell people all the time that EVERYBODY has something wrong with them, so remember that when you get angry about what’s going with you – and be careful pointing fingers. My son has struggled with Diabetes type I since he was 5 years old. It’s been a long, long 12+ years for him. He has to take numerous shots a day, test his blood at least 6 times a day, and watch everything he eats. He has bucked the system constantly. He’s reminded almost every minute of his disease. He resents it. He hates it and he thinks he’s the only one who has to suffer with something so awful. I haven’t been the best mom when it comes to helping him manage his disorder because *I* would probably be the worst diabetic on the planet. His dad (ugh) is far better at helping him manage because he is far more militaristic than I am. I am too empathetic. I can only imagine how hard it would be. My mom has it too. She has struggled with the exact same problems.
I have tried to explain to my son that we ALL have something, but you just can’t always SEE how other people struggle. I live with a deep, dark secret. I have bipolar II disorder. I struggle with it daily, just like my son does – only other people can’t see it. It’s “okay” to tell people you have diabetes and they empathize. It’s not the same when you’re a bipolar bear. I worked for a social service agency for 2 1/2 years, surrounded by trained professionals. The things I heard them say made me shudder sometimes. The way people view bipolar and those afflicted with it is so disheartening. Most of those people knew about the heart-breaking things that had happened in my life, but they never knew my secret. Some of them were extremely close friends, but I never trusted them with that one. I could have told them and I could have said, “you know, not everyone with bipolar is an idiot. *I* have bipolar and *I’m* not crazy or a criminal,” but I found myself not wanting to embarrass or shame them anymore than I did myself. They knew better than to say crap like that. I was there, working very closely with trained professionals for all that time and they never figured it out. It’s easy to become lax and hurl generic labels around without even thinking about the people around you who might be maintaining. It’s even easier to stereotype everyone by the ones who just can’t control the monster the way some of us were graced with the ability to do. (And that’s not to say any of us can control it ALL the time, either. There are LOTS of factors that come into play with bipolar: experience – how long you’ve had it, having the benefit of good therapy, access to healthcare, medication, STRESS levels!, support systems, physiological status….)
The thing that makes me so angry, though, is that I even have to deal with this – and it’s every single minute of every single day. The first time I was hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts was 22 years ago. I really, really struggled through my first pregnancy and postpartum. It was after my daughter was born that I struggled with the mood swings. I may have since I was a teen, but no one could figure out what it was. Finally, the most wonderful clinician in the world, an LCSW that I was seeing for therapy, nailed it right off the bat. That was somewhere around 9 years ago. Having access to healthcare is of the utmost importance to me; it is literally my lifeline. No, I don’t have to test my blood daily, but every single thing in my life affects me. I have to continuously take my mood “temperature.”
- Is this REALLY that big of a deal? Is this REALLY a crisis? Am I going to die right now? I know it feels like this is going to kill me and I’m not going to make it til morning, but wait it out. This WILL pass. Just wait til morning. Everything will be okay. CALM DOWN. Remember to breathe. Slow down. Stop and think. Take it down a notch. Okay, concentrate. Read every single word. Take a break.
People who don’t have bipolar have no idea what it’s like to have to continuously assess your emotions, your thoughts, and your reactions. You have to continuously assess whether everything you think and feel is normal or a revved up version. It’s like looking at the world through giant coke-bottle glasses. It’s all totally magnified, but you can’t be sure whether you have on the glasses or not because you don’t notice that they’ve sneaked back into place. All of your emotions are WAY bigger and more intense than everyone else’s. Plus, your thoughts sometimes begin to go faster and faster and faster until suddenly they are racing past in your brain like people going by in the mall and you can’t quite grab them. They just keep racing past. You can see them all, but there are too many and you’re overwhelmed by it all. What’s worse is that it isn’t always good stuff. Sometimes, you get in a mixed state (like me) and the thoughts are fast and racing and they’re often bad and negative thoughts at the same time. So, you’re hyper and everything is fast and racing, but you feel overwhelmed and everything you’re thinking is negative at the same time. It’s like being depressed, but on super caffeine pills. This means you aren’t the traditional, sluggish, sleepy lump, you’re hyper and fast and racing and negative! To me, this is way more dangerous than sluggish and sleepy.
Imagine trying to manage relationships, school, work, and CHILDREN – like this! —and not let anyone KNOW your secret because you don’t want them to think you’re completely insane!!! I can be a terrifying bundle of energy and emotions to any man who thinks he might want to be with me. It’s hard for my closest friends and family too. They watch me go up and they watch me go down. They never know what kind of mood I’ll be in – sometimes from one minute to the next. The best way to handle it is to just ride it out. Sometimes you just have to let me be and not pay any attention. I have learned to manage it and ride it out myself. That’s where cognitive behavioral therapy has helped tremendously. You just talk yourself through it (usually in your head) and know that whatever it is, isn’t really going to kill you, they’re just emotions. INTENSE? Oh you better BELIEVE IT! But they are still just emotions, nonetheless.
Luckily, you can get on a good medication regimen and remain stable for long, long periods of time. That doesn’t mean you don’t have ups and downs, you do. Every day. When stress levels go up, you have roller coaster days. That’s when the cognitive work helps so much. When you tell a person with bipolar that it’s time to mess with the meds, our blood runs cold. We know what that means. It’s time to start the ride all over again. Buckle up, baby, here we go. Please keep arms and legs inside the car at all times, feel free to scream as loud as you want, but remain seated and hold on to the bar – DO NOT let go. Oh, and don’t worry, we’ll be taking your picture for the family album as a keepsake so we can all remember and tell stories. It might not be bad, but it could be a whopper. Who knows?
The cool thing about people like me is that we are FUN AS HELL. We are creative, dynamic, FUNNY as HELL, incredibly SMART, amazing people to be around. But then we have this, sometimes debilitating, disorder that we are trying to control. We have to control our minds, our thoughts, our emotions, our reactions, and our behavior. Our brains can take on a whole life of their own if we let them. Sometimes, I hate being this way and I HATE this disorder, but I have to embrace it because I love the special parts of me – and maybe it’s the disorder that gives me those special attributes. That’s what I’m choosing to believe because it allows me to accept it a little bit easier. One of these days I WILL find someone who loves and accepts ALL of me – good and bad. Hey, Lucille Ball did it (at least for a while). I don’t know if she had bipolar, but her personality fit the bill and she sure as hell acted crazy enough – and the whole nation loved her, heart and soul.
I once read that 1 in 5 people with bipolar disorder kill themselves. When you have it for life and deal with one “crisis” after another day after day, those don’t feel like very good odds. Living with bipolar yourself or loving someone who has it isn’t easy, but it can be done. Love can conquer anything, You just have to constantly remember that emotions pass and that the things that go on in your head are exactly there – in your head. Leave them there and try to leave the body out of it. Tomorrow you will feel differently. Talk it out with someone you love who “gets” it – or better yet, a detached professional.
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Here’s a song by Gary Allen, my most FAVORITE country artist…
An aside: I LOVE his song “Watching Airplanes”. Apparently, his wife had bipolar and died because of it. The story of that song (or so I hear) is that she was a stewardess and they met on an airplane, thus the song. But, this one seemed more appropriate for this entry.
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