I feel it in the pit of my stomach. The ache, the pangs, almost a tangible hunger. I close my eyes and a tear escapes from the corner before I can catch it. Dammit. I smile a weary smile. The little shit wasn’t supposed to get away from me. It has friends that follow quickly behind. They slide down my cheeks, one right after the other. I know I am flirting with disaster. I know I shouldn’t allow myself to even play with these emotions. Oh, I KNOW what they say. I KNOW the party line, “emotions are neither good nor bad. They are normal and we have to allow ourselves to feel them or we become like pressure cookers and eventually explode under the pressure.” I use that one myself all the time. But saying and doing are 2 different things. I’m not allowed to feel this one. I can’t. If I even explore it, I might open up Pandora’s box. I know there’s nothing I can do about my situation right now. I’m stuck and I know it.
Well, not really. I COULD change things. I HAVE options, they just aren’t good ones. I am making the conscious decision to continue on with things like they are. For now. It’s not that bad. It’s really not. But for one moment, I am going to peek. I’m going to pull that lid open just a little teensy, weensy bit. I’m here, aren’t I? This is the only safe place. I have no other alternative. I’m not even positive that it’s all THAT safe here, but I’m willing to risk it. I have to. The pressure, remember?
***
The phone rang. It said “withheld.” My heart JUMPED. I thought maybe… My heart has been missing beats ever since. Is it possible? You have no idea how desperately I miss you. God you just don’t know how desperately I miss the way you talked to me. I miss the way you used to tell me how you loved to look at me. I miss the way you were so supportive and adoring. I miss our talks. I miss having someone who actually WANTED to listen, who CARED about what I have to say. OH GOD to have someone tell me ANYTHING positive, ANYTHING supportive. Sometimes it physically hurts to suffer so bad emotionally. To have someone touch me tenderly. To hold me, smell my hair, tell me how much you love me and want me in your life. To make love to me again and lay with me – like you want me there. No one knows what I’m living through. No one knows how bad it is and I can’t tell. I only have 1 friend who has any idea (and even she doesn’t know the whole story). She has begged me to come stay with her, but I won’t. I can’t. It’s only for another year or so. I think Mom knows. I can tell when she looks at me. She has hinted and then she gives me “the look.” The one that sees inside my soul? She asks me how I stand it and why I tolerate it, but she knows.
I miss the way we talked, shared our thoughts, our feelings. We dreamed together; we DID things together. We enjoyed each other’s company. I still remember the feel of your face, your chest, your body. How, after 5 years, can I still remember everything so vividly? I remember the stings and the issues too, but I see now the true value of the good things.
When I got your email and you told me that you dream that someday I might call and say that I love you and want to be together forever, my chest just heaved from the sobbing. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands. I want to tell you everything so bad. I desperately long to turn to you for comfort and conversation, but I can’t…. I pray I can persevere through this wait.
***
Okay, that’s enough. I have to stop. I can’t let too much out because if I do, I can’t contain it. I have to get it back under control and maintain again. I have to put emotional needs aside and remember that other needs are more pressing right now. I need to focus on my goals. I have another year, maybe a little more and then I can move on. People do this all the time. People in prison. People who have to go to war. People who leave to go abroad or long distances for various reasons. I can do this. It’s only another year or so. I can put my emotional needs away again. Besides, we can talk as friends and I have this special place to go for comfort.
Nobody has to “get” us baby. We do. Come lay with me. I’ll be right here.
Yes, I still love you. And yes, I want to be with you. Forever. Every day. For the rest of our lives.
How I wish I could tell. Maybe some day, if it isn’t too late, I can actually say it out loud – so you can hear me.
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