New Life, New Adventure

Well, school is pretty well under way now.  We’re 2 weeks in and I am beginning to get settled into a routine.  It’s not easy, that’s for sure. I am still pretty much starstruck by the whole thing.  I guess you could say I’m in the “honeymoon” phase.  I mean, I DID IT! I’m actually IN NURSING SCHOOL! I quit my job – WHOA! Yeah, I’m unemployed – on purpose! And a full-time student! I have dreamt of this for so long. It’s pretty amazing.  ”Culture shock” is probably a good way to describe it. I am struggling a bit with the loneliness.  I am so used to being around people all the time – 40 hours a week – and now, I have class 2 days a week and clinicals one day a week (which I start in 2 weeks).  The rest is free for studying.  My boyfriend is always working, 7 days a week.  He does take off every other Saturday when his daughter comes over.  So, I am really, really alone most of the time.   He’s a VERY independent person, so even when he’s here, he is pretty much doing his own thing and so am I.  This is creating a bit of a problem for me.  Because I am very outgoing and a considerable “talker,” I really suffered last week. Actually, I’ve suffered a lot the last FEW weeks, but I’m pretty sure it’s the whole brand new lifestyle/high stress situation/wacked-out personality combo. LOL Have a look:

“preseason” week #1: I was getting nervous, but holding my own. I took a vacation week between working and the beginning of school.  I did a ton of cleaning around the house. Did some shopping, visited a few friends, had some doctor appointments, got things in order, went a LITTLE stir crazy, but was okay.

“preseason” week #2:  The nerves were really building, anxiety was growing. Wondering if I had made the right decision.  Could I actually pull this off? What was I thinking quitting my job? Decided to get a jump on the homework and read all the 12 chapters that we were going to be assigned for the following week.  Financial aid was totally screwed up, had to go sit in their office AGAIN. Everything was going to be okay. I could handle it.  Tuesday was an all-day workshop (medical terminology). Barely slept a wink all night Monday night, but wanted to get the “first day” jitters out of the way.  Came home ready to start and all psyched up! Tuesday’s high lasted through most of Wednesday.  Thursday was very stressful and the high was worn off.  I was ready to vomit by Thursday night since I had barely made a dent in the reading material. I had been starting around 8:30 every morning and working til 11 every night and hadn’t made it through HALF the material. I began really dreading going to orientation on Friday. I completely dreaded the thought of school on Monday and the minutes rushed past as if I were on the freeway to hell at breakneck speed.  Friday was orientation and medication dosage workshop. Had little trouble sleeping on Thursday night, was completely exhausted. Friday itself went well, but I was completely overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done. Luckily they clarified that we were to SKIM the material (if possible) before coming to class. DOH!! I had wasted my entire LAST week of freedom for nothing. GRRRRR…. By this time, it was the weekend and I still had 6 chapters to skim AND had to learn how to do dosages before the EXAM on Tuesday.

GAMETIME Week#1: The first few days I met a few people and walked around in a stupor like everyone else.  BY Wednesday, the week had ended and I was feeling a little bit better.  ACED the dosage exam, but still hadn’t totally gotten the concept of skimming the material.  At certain points, felt high as a kite.  By Wednesday, was feeling great, cause it was “Friday.” By Wednesday night, it was wearing off and was somewhat overwhelmed by all the new homework to come for the next week plus the stuff I hadn’t completely managed to get through from the first week. Then they sent the email assuring us all that we were fine and really not behind, blah blah blah. Obviously they knew we were all feeling stressed and overwhelmed.  (Guess they had done this before? LOL) My mood was completely unpredictable. One minute ok, one minute irritable, one minute bitchy.  Thursday was another meltdown. Barely maintained on Friday and the weekend was HORRIBLE.  All went to hell with the kids – was a disaster of EPIC proportions. My daughter’s (late) birthday celebration – her boyfriend didn’t bother to show, she showed up late, didn’t bother to save us any time except for a quick dinner, my son decided he wanted to go home a day early (hadn’t seen him in 5 weeks), I LOST it in the bathroom at the restaurant…. It just got worse and worse from there. Sunday went to see my parents to help improve my mood and practice blood pressure, but Mom was sick and slept the whole time and Dad’s blood pressure was at stroke level. WTF!!!!

Week #2: Monday was shitty.  My mood was horrible.  I didn’t want to be at school, wasn’t in the mood for anything, was tired and my ears hurt. My main support person from the old job (who I could stop by and see on lunchbreaks) was on vacation this week! AHHHHHHH! Went home, took a nap, did homework, had no dinner and moped around. Ears were killing me, freezing, face was on fire, achy, felt terrible.  Boyfriend gave me pity sex for the first time in MANY weeks (THANK GOD!!!) but since he had hurt his back, literally within miliseconds, first question was “Are you done? GET OFF!” Had a total and complete meltdown. The end. I’m DONE. Inside I was destroyed and obliterated, competely hopeless that anything was ever going to get better.
Tuesday - Woke up with no pain in the ears. This is promising. I was determined that I was going to pull myself out of this SHIT. Went to school and my new friends were waiting for me. This is even more promising.  They wanted to sit together in lecture today. Hmmmm. Okay, cool. Class was good today and I realize I’ve got this! And I also realize I’m doing ok. I am finally figuring out how much I need to do to prepare, how much to read, how much to study, etc…. BUT I’ve been sweating this afternoon for 2 weeks – blood pressure. UGH! I SUCK at it. I know, how can I be a nurse if I can’t do F-ing blood pressure?!?! Today is practice lab.  Nervous wreck, but so is everyone else.  Finally get to BP station and a new friend knows I am sweating it, plops her arm down and says “blow it up, girl. Let’s do this.” I DO IT! YES! This is THE DAY! So, class is over, I am happy. I’m leaving and bump into an old friend from Microbiology and she’s in Nsg semester 2! We talk for an hour and a half in the parking lot! I am soooo happy!
Wednesday – Today was good again.  I am thinking I am getting the hang of this, but I am afraid to get too comfortable, cause guess what tomorrow is? THURSDAY. UGH… I HATE Thursdays. The last few have really not been so good, so far. I need to do something to make SURE Thursday is not such a horrible day.  Of course, tomorrow just HAS to be the day my boyfriend has to work late – which means he’ll be gone from morning til 11PM. AHHHHHHHHH! Double trouble. Double lonely.  Okay, so this is a test.  I’ll see what I can do.  Here goes nothing….

Wish me luck,

PseudoPsycho Baby Nurse

A Crack In Pandora’s Box

I feel it in the pit of my stomach. The ache, the pangs, almost a tangible hunger. I close my eyes and a tear escapes from the corner before I can catch it.  Dammit.  I smile a weary smile. The little shit wasn’t supposed to get away from me. It has friends that follow quickly behind. They slide down my cheeks, one right after the other. I know I am flirting with disaster. I know I shouldn’t allow myself to even play with these emotions.  Oh, I KNOW what they say. I KNOW the party line, “emotions are neither good nor bad. They are normal and we have to allow ourselves to feel them or we become like pressure cookers and eventually explode under the pressure.”  I use that one myself all the time.  But saying and doing are 2 different things.  I’m not allowed to feel this one.  I can’t. If I even explore it, I might open up Pandora’s box.  I know there’s nothing I can do about my situation right now.  I’m stuck and I know it.

Well, not really.  I COULD change things.  I HAVE options, they just aren’t good ones. I am making the conscious decision to continue on with things like they are.  For now.  It’s not that bad. It’s really not.  But for one moment, I am going to peek. I’m going to pull that lid open just a little teensy, weensy bit.  I’m here, aren’t I? This is the only safe place. I have no other alternative.  I’m not even positive that it’s all THAT safe here, but I’m willing to risk it. I have to. The pressure, remember?

 

***

The phone rang. It said “withheld.” My heart JUMPED.  I thought maybe… My heart has been missing beats ever since.  Is it possible? You have no idea how desperately I miss you. God you just don’t know how desperately I miss the way you talked to me. I miss the way you used to tell me how you loved to look at me. I miss the way you were so supportive and adoring.  I miss our talks. I miss having someone who actually WANTED to listen, who CARED about what I have to say. OH GOD to have someone tell me ANYTHING positive, ANYTHING supportive. Sometimes it physically hurts to suffer so bad emotionally. To have someone touch me tenderly. To hold me, smell my hair, tell me how much you love me and want me in your life. To make love to me again and lay with me – like you want me there. No one knows what I’m living through.  No one knows how bad it is and I can’t tell.  I only have 1 friend who has any idea (and even she doesn’t know the whole story).  She has begged me to come stay with her, but I won’t.  I can’t.  It’s only for another year or so.  I think Mom knows.  I can tell when she looks at me.  She has hinted and then she gives me “the look.” The one that sees inside my soul? She asks me how I stand it and why I tolerate it, but she knows.

I miss the way we talked, shared our thoughts, our feelings. We dreamed together; we DID things together. We enjoyed each other’s company.  I still remember the feel of your face, your chest, your body. How, after 5 years, can I still remember everything so vividly? I remember the stings and the issues too, but I see now the true value of the good things.

When I got your email and you told me that you dream that someday I might call and say that I love you and want to be together forever, my chest just heaved from the sobbing. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands.  I want to tell you everything so bad. I desperately long to turn to you for comfort and conversation, but I can’t…. I pray I can persevere through this wait.

***

Okay, that’s enough. I have to stop. I can’t let too much out because if I do, I can’t contain it.  I have to get it back under control and maintain again.  I have to put emotional needs aside and remember that other needs are more pressing right now. I need to focus on my goals. I have another year, maybe a little more and then I can move on. People do this all the time.  People in prison. People who have to go to war. People who leave to go abroad or long distances for various reasons. I can do this. It’s only another year or so. I can put my emotional needs away again. Besides, we can talk as friends and I have this special place to go for comfort.

 

 

Nobody has to “get” us baby. We do. Come lay with me. I’ll be right here.

Yes, I still love you. And yes, I want to be with you. Forever. Every day. For the rest of our lives.

 

How I wish I could tell. Maybe some day, if it isn’t too late, I can actually say it out loud – so you can hear me.

 

The Haunting

 

I haven’t been able to listen to this song for years. Now it’s haunting me.